JM Donellan

Category: misanthropy

  • The Price is Free

    Dear the Government, How are you?  I know that you are rather busy unreasonably oppressing refugess in direct violation of the UN charter that you signed, but I wondered if you might address something for me.   The thing is; I love libraries. At a library I can instantly attain one of the things that…

  • Dying’s 1st birthday

    "I am 1 year old today! Waaah! Waaaah! Bring me things and focus all your attention on me constantly." Dearest humans of earth. Today is the one year anniversary of the release of my novel A Beginner’s Guide to Dying in India. Like many one-year-olds it is currently demanding a lot of attention and keeping…

  • Interim parliament vows to keep Australia ‘one nation under a groove’

    In news that is bound to shock Australia and the world, long buried legislation has been uncovered that states that in the event of a hung parliament an interim foreign political body of an allied democratic nation must be installed. The US government was last night asked to fulfill this role, but in a clerical…

  • BP: A disaster in cartoon form.

    You know how for the past something many years, people have been yelling "Taxi!" Whenever someone spills a drink at a party? Remember the last time that was funny? Yeah, me neither. I'm proposing that from now on we substitute the term 'BP' for the act of spilling, for example: "Man I can't believe I…

  • THE INAUGURAL JM DONELLAN AWARD FOR A SHORT STORY ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT VAMPIRES.

    You may have heard of vampires. These lovable sun-loathing scamps have populated the pages of novels ever since the early something-forties. I used to be quite found of vampire stories, the intrigue of immortality and all that gaff, but I am now, unequivocally, irrevocably, MOTHERFUCKING SICK of vampire stories and every jerk who is jumping…

  • UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE #3

    "The most urgent health problem in the developed world is obesity. The most urgent health problem in the developing world is starvation."   "Either you motherfuckers need to start sharing those cheeseburgers or I am going to have to try and get Madonna to adopt me. Do you really want to live with that on…

  • UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 2

    "No matter how good you are at your job, there will always be someone much less talented than you making a lot more money." This might seem like  cop out statement for an artist, but I feel it's never a bad idea to reiterate just how terrible the taste of the general public is. Just…

  • What NOT to wear this season (because you are cleary incapable of dressing yourself).

    Remember when you were just a child and you lacked the requisite fine motor skills to button buttons, tie ties, lace laces or strap straps? Back then your mother, father, slightly drunken uncle Phil or fifteen-and-soon-to-be-pregnant-to-her-on-again-off-again-bricklayer-boyfriend Chantelle used to dress you. And looking at you now, perhaps that was for the best. Judging from your…

  • UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 1

    People of the world, these are times, no doubt about. In times such as these, such as they are, we need to stand together. Or possibly slightly apart, depending on the potency of the body odour of the comrade in closest proximity to you. However, regardless of exact geographical spacing, we must unite under the…

  • CHARLES DARWIN VS 99 BOTTLES OF BEER

    "Yeah, ah, gimmie…white russian, heavy on the Russian. Oh man, I need a kebab…HOLY CRAP I love this friggin' song! Wit my mind on my money and my money on my…Yo! Alexander that chick was sooooo checking you out…" This story has been lurking on my hard drive for a while, so I thought I'd…