JM Donellan

Category: misanthropy

  • Dearest Ministers of Education: please buy 2 million copies of Zeb and the Great Ruckus.

    To: senator.collins@aph.gov.au, education@ministerial.qld.gov.au Dear Mr Langbroek (State Minister for Education) and Mrs Collins (Federal Minister for School Education), I’m sure that your political parties are very busy dismantling essential health services and implementing draconian internet security protocols respectively. I would, however like to borrow a few moments of your valuable time to talk about an important issue, which is the dire…

  • Contrary to popular belief, I have not actually been eaten by a rabid bear.

    Why hello there! I know, I know, it’s been a while. I’ve been absent from the internet. But it’s okay, I haven’t actually been eaten by a rabid bear, even though that’s what all the tabloids have been saying. Nor have I been EATING rabid bears, as the even less reputable tabloids are claiming. I’ve…

  • R.I.P. Rave

    As a teenage music nerd, my bedroom walls were perennially populated by posters featuring various scowling dudes with guitars looking down on me lying on my bed losing myself in my headphones whilst devouring Rave magazine. Growing up I always thought that being a music writer would be the most inconceivably, unbelievably, incontrovertibly cool job imaginable. Years later, I moved…

  • If loving you is wrong, I’d like to be partially incorrect.

    This week, I'm going to give you some advice on romance. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's either A) How did I end up at this page when I was looking for videos of cats playing keyboards??? or B) Why on earth would J. M. Donellan be qualified to give relationship advice? He seems…

  • Inaugural Premier’s Obituary Award

    My Dearest Queensland, I have just returned from a weekend swimming in your resplendant blue waters at Stradbroke island, followed by two nights in the majestic sunshine coast hinterland, only to return to Brisbane and discover that Campbell 'I hate the arts so much you'd think they strangled my puppy' Newman has scrapped the Queensland…

  • A human writes about human rights.

    OR: WHY I BASE MY VOTE EXCLUSIVELY ON A PARTY’S CIVIL RIGHTS POLICIES. Congratulations QLD! Your new premier has a lucky elephant. So presumably everything is going to be just fine! (Not making this up he really does call it his lucky elephant.) The economy is in permanent flux, that's the nature of the beast.…

  • Dearest Academy Floral OR STFU Valentine’s day

    Dearest Academy Floral Thanks so much for your suggestion for me to send more flowers to my now ex-girlfriend for Valentine's day. And yes, you are right. That first bouquet I sent back in September did indeed ‘WOW!’ her. The problem is that the flowers I had delivered to her have now withered and died…

  • Diet Tips from the Vampire Girl With a Dragon Tattoo Who Played a Game of Thrones With Fire

    Good Morrow to you, Sirs and Madams of the Big Six consortium of publishers! I trust you are well. Before I tell you about the EXCITING!!!! opportunity I am offering you today, I have to ask, are you ever concerned by the fact that your informal collective moniker sounds like some kind of crime syndicate?…

  • Literally the ugliest thing ever built in all of human history

    My Dearest Brisbane City Council, I hope that the first days of 2012 have treated you well and that you are recovering from your collective hangover, which I imagine a government body experiences as a sort of hive mind shared headache coupled with an inexplicable desire to eat copious quantities of Tim Tams. Recently on…

  • How To Do Your Xmas Shopping Without Losing Your Will To Live

    I hate shopping. And not just because I'm an 'anti-consumerist hippie.' I hate trying stuff on, I hate waiting in queues and I hate the fact that stores play insufferable techno music with a high BPM that is specifically selected to impair your impulse control systems.    "You know, I thought that $149.95 for a…